Ten Things The Connoisseur Can Learn From The WC So Far

Now look here. It's high time everyone just stopped moaning about what a ridiculously bloated tournament this is. Enough of the barbed comments concerning the idiotic fixture schedule that sees game after game of stultifying tedium played out before we get to a decent clash of heavyweights.

It's not as if anyone's got anything much better to be doing, and Wednesday's thrilling 200+ run win by Pakistan against the dismal Kenyans was still more fun than sticking rusty nails in your eyes or watching behind the scenes footage of Kate Middleton's hosier preparing her expertly crafted wedding seams for that oh so special day in April.

So don't come crying to me after this world has been ravaged by plague, war and apocalyptic doom, dragging a bundle of torn rags and foraging for nuts in an irradiated forest complaining that if you'd only paid more attention to Sri Lanka's heart stopping 200+ run win against Canada at least you’d have memories of happier times to comfort you in the long days of doom ahead.

This is the World Cup for heaven's sake, and if you can't get excited about New Zealand's coruscating ten wicket demolition of the possibly even more hapless Kenyans than today’s Kenyans then you've no right to call yourself a cricket fan.

So assuming that on that basis you don't call yourself a cricket fan and may possibly have missed some of the fantabulous action here are some things we've learnt from the first five pulsating days of the biggest carnival of cricket in our life times.

• Kenya are truly dreadful
• Canada are not quite as dreadful but still pretty woeful
• Zimbabwe aren’t dreadful at all but can’t bat for toffee
• Bangladesh are playing the long game. Their determination to accrue every last run means they’re eying net run rate as their route to the quarter finals. I hope they succeed. That kind of smart cricket deserves reward
• Sehwag is without doubt the most charmingly lazy man ever to have stepped on to a cricket field. He makes Inzamam ul Haq look like an over eager triathlete. Say what you like about Inzi but at least he’d turn up to field in the actual matches every now and then. But all that just makes me love Sehwag even more.
• It's way past England's bedtime. They got all excited during that Ashes thingy but now they're overtired. They can't even be bothered to show off. Feed them, wind them, and let them go home. Now? Why not? It’ll save us all from the mega tantrum when they get walloped by Ireland.
• No one, still, has worked out when to take the batting power play. If I'm allowed to continue this column you will probably encounter my hyperbolic vexation over this issue at least 20 times before the tournament is finished. It isn't difficult. Do you have two set top order batsmen in? Yes. Really? Take the power play. Now? Yes, right now.
• I'm not sure if I believe in dew anymore. Apparently the dew point in Nagpur was supposed to be 15 degrees Centigrade. I think that guy in the tractor with the rope is a fake meteorologist hoodwinking the authorities and moonlighting as a driving instructor to make extra rupees between innings.
• The Netherlands' opening bowler Bukhari looks a lot like Robert Key. Well, he looks like Robert Key looks when Key gets out. That sort of sad moon faced gaze into nothingness that smacks of bewilderment and crushing disappointment. Check it out. It will startle you.
• If you combined Zimbabwe's bowling attack with Bangladesh's batsmen you'd have a more than handy team. Unfortunately neither side has a seamer who could hold a candle to Afghanistan's Hamid Hassan. Perhaps next time they could have a combined associate XI. In fact, now I think of it, that is the solution to the entire conundrum of what to do with the second tier nations, and really I should stop this blog and start all over again with that as my over arching theme but I've got to commentate on SA v. WI tomorrow so must get to bed.

So if you have, for some unfathomable reason, not been paying close attention to the cricket so far, don’t worry. There's another month before the quarter finals for you to catch up. And I predict Australia vs Canada will be an absolute thriller.